Loneliness
10 Surprising Facts About Loneliness
Pangs that attack your body in ways you never expected.
Posted Oct 21, 2014 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
It is estimated that over 40% of us will feel the aching pangs of loneliness at some point in our lives. Yet despite how common loneliness is, few people are fully aware of the dramatic ways in which it impacts us. Here are 10 surprising facts about loneliness that will change how you view this all-too-common but devastating psychological condition:
- Loneliness does not depend on how many friends or relationships you have. Loneliness depends entirely on the subjective quality of your relationships—on whether you feel emotionally and/or socially disconnected from those around you. That is why...
- More than 60% of lonely people are married. When married couples no longer share their deepest feelings, thoughts, and experiences with one another it can leave them feeling disconnected and alone. (See What to Do When You’re Married and Lonely.) People in such relationships truly believe their spouse cannot offer them the deep connection they would like. While their fears might be correct, they might also stem from the fact that...
- Loneliness distorts our perceptions of our relationships. Studies have found that merely asking people to recall times they felt lonely was sufficient to make them devalue their relationships. These perceptual distortions often cause lonely people to withdraw even further from the very people who could alleviate their loneliness. Making matters worse, their friends might be hesitant to connect as well, because...
- Loneliness is contagious in social networks. Loneliness has a clear stigma: We tend to be able to spot and identify the lonely people around us. One study found that over a six-month period, lonely people were pushed to the periphery of social networks and surprisingly, so were their friends. Being pushed out "into the cold" in this way has a surprising effect on our bodies...
- Loneliness actually makes us feel colder. Studies found that recalling a time in which we felt lonely made participants estimate the room temperature as being significant colder. It even made their actual skin temperature drop. The idea of feeling ‘pushed into the cold’ resonates from our evolutionary past in which being ostracized from our tribes meant being kept away from the warmth of the hearth and the social group around it. Indeed, our bodies respond to loneliness in dramatic ways...
- Loneliness makes our bodies feel like under attack. Loneliness causes an immediate and severe bodily reaction. It increases in blood pressure and cholesterol, and it activates our physical and psychological stress responses. Which is why...
- Chronic loneliness significantly increases our risk of cardiovascular disease. Over time, people who are chronically lonely have a much higher incidence of cardiovascular disease because their bodies are under constant and unrelenting stress. But that is not the only impact loneliness has on our bodies...
- Loneliness suppresses the functioning of our immune system. Loneliness causes our immune systems to function less efficiently, which over time, puts us at increased risk for developing all kinds of illnesses and diseases. Even brief bouts of loneliness impact our immune system, which is why...
- College freshmen who felt lonely had poorer reactions to flu shot. Even a few weeks of loneliness were sufficient to impact the immune systems of incoming college freshman such that those who identified as feeling lonely had poorer reactions to seasonal flu shots that students where were not lonely. Taken together, loneliness impacts our bodies so severely...
- Loneliness is as dangerous as cigarette smoking. Scientists have concluded that given all the drastic ways in which loneliness impacts our bodies, it represent as great a risk for our long term health and longevity as smoking cigarettes. Indeed, studies have concluded that chronic loneliness increases our risk of an early death by 14%.
Clearly, loneliness represents a hugely important psychological injury and not one we should ignore. Therefore, make sure to take steps when you are lonely, and to educate lonely people around you about the dangers of remaining lonely.
Wow. There it all is, in a
Wow. There it all is, in a nutshell! In spite of having lots of really good friends, a wonderful family, three great kids, and a husband, I'm a terribly lonely person - and it is mostly because of what's lacking in my most intimate relationship. My husband gave up on sex due to health problems and I literally feel like I'm dying. It is awful to be a person who is never touched.
Ha
There is another post on PT where somebody is shocked that wives are reading adult fiction. Yes, husbands watch porn, wives read adult fiction and married people are lonely. Society should quit expecting spouses to be all things to all people. The big problem here is married people expect to be able to shun everyone else and find their needs met only by their spouse. If you are married and lonely you might think about how you off-loaded your friends the day of your wedding, and then think hard about how you plan to repair those relationships(If you can) and how you are going to go about starting new ones.
Careful.
Be careful in your assumptions. The article says that the majority of lonely people are married. The article DOES NOT SAY that the majority of married people are lonely. The takeaway should not be that loneliness is contributed to by some characteristic of marriage, but rather that lonely people seek out those who reinforce their own feelings of loneliness.
Warn people about loneliness?
The article suggests that people should warn others of the dangers in loneliness. I wonder what that is supposed to accomplish. Loneliness is not an especially gratifying activity, and I imagine that most people would eagerly stop being lonely if they knew how.
You might as well urge the people you care about to stop having cancer.
Also, let's hope that insurance companies don't notice the increased health risks of loneliness, as I doubt that would positively contribute to the longevity of lonely individuals.
Lets not forget there is help for loneliness
I appreciated reading Dr. Winch's article. He was able to highlight some important facts about loneliness. Although what I would have liked Dr. Winch to make evident is that even though the reasons for feeling lonely may be complex, how to get relief is simple.
Yes, there are facts we should understand and those who are experiencing loneliness probably don't really need their feelings defined more than they could benefit from receiving relief from their thoughts and feelings.
At GoVa Hawaii's Counseling Center we hire psychologists to help resolve feelings of loneliness and I would recommend to anyone experiencing feelings of loneliness to find help from a psychologist. There are many psychologists specially trained to help with this problem. Look for someone who is comfortable with not only helping with the symptoms of loneliness but who is willing to dive deeper to discover and resolve the cause(s) of your loneliness.
Remember help is definitely available.
Lets not forget there is help for loneliness
GoVa Hawaii's Counseling Center we hire psychologists to help resolve feelings of loneliness and I would recommend to anyone experiencing feelings of loneliness to find help from a psychologist. There are many psychologists specially trained to help with this problem. Look for someone who is comfortable with not only helping with the symptoms of loneliness but who is willing to dive deeper to discover and resolve the cause(s) of your loneliness.
Remember help is definitely available.
Getting help is not always an option. Who pays the bill of of anywhere from $75 to $150 a hour? Not all Ins will cover more than a few visits, if that. When I had good insurance I went for therapy since I had moved to a new state and was unable to connect with the local population. I desperately started missing all my old friends and family back east. The therapist was no help at all, making suggestions I had already tried that failed. In the end she suggested I try and move back to the east coast, but that was not possible. Don't get people's hopes up for a letdown.
Loneliness Is Contagous
I can see why groups may push lonely people out. I was very drawn to my ex-boyfriend because I could smell the loneliness on him. He had a ton of students former and present who wanted to be near him, but he would not get close to anyone. He also would not take the initiative to make friends or sustain relationships. His loneliness made his perceptions so distorted that it was next to impossible to maintain a relationship with him. That could be so taxing for a group as well as one-on-one relating.
Something we should all do
The insightful message of this article is amplified by the recent news story of at least 7 young women who are believed to be victims of an alleged serial killer in NW Indiana.
Stay with me on this.
In virtually every one of these grim news stories it has been stated that all but 1 of the victims had been murdered at least weeks, or possibly months ago, and yet their absence was never reported to authorities. These tragedies were not revealed until the alleged killer confessed to police and directed them to the bodies.
One can only surmise how tragically lonely these victims' lives must have been, clearly illustrated by the fact that nobody else missed them, at least not enough to be concerned by the arguably disturbing fact that these fellow human beings hadn't even been seen, much less heard from for such a long time.
Perhaps in our day-to-day lives we are often overwhelmed by the responsibilities of work and family. Trust me, I get that.
However it seems as though the simple act of reaching out occasionally to others just outside of our immediate "inner circle" would bring so much joy to someone who feels forgotten, and possibly even save their lives with a personal "wellness check" that could amount to nothing more than a measly 3 minute phone call merely to let that individual know that they are NOT alone in this crazy world and somebody really DOES care about them.
Make no mistake, E-mail won't get it done. A quick cursory glance at Facebook (or the social media of your choice) does absolutely nothing to provide the critical human contact that every lonely person is yearning for.
It's up to each and every one of us to personally send the message of caring with a smile and a kind word, preferably shared face-to-face, or at least by phone, to those who need it the most.
Some refer to this notion as a "random act of kindness".
I say - MAKE IT HAPPEN.
It will cost you nothing, and the world will surely be a better place because of your compassion. Besides, the life you save may wind up being your own.
perspective...
In a sense, loneliness can be thought of as a temporary or permanent behavioral disorder in which a perceptual distortion causes one's perspective to negatively shift. We all need and deserve validation, and sometimes forget how to validate ourselves.
Do Something About Your Lonliness
Yeah SURE... They say do something so you're not so lonely. Um, Im sorry but did you think of the fact that they are lonely because of other people? That theres really nothing you can do to make people like you? Its out of your control. Do you think thered be any lonely people out there if there was something they could do about it??? I mean really...
easy way to never be lonely.
Spend 30 days totally devoid of human contact, no access to internet, TV, or any other form of electronic communication. Winter is the best time to experience this, especially in the far north. Wake and sleep by the light of the sun, ensure you eat healthy and only whole foods that take time to prepare, and spend exercise time in nature. Its extremely difficult at first, but after the second week an amazing calmness comes over you and you learn to appreciate so much more in life - including interacting with people.
thank you for sharing this
thank you for sharing this subject which is really affected deeply my way of living specially since i left my country.
Im an arabic guy moved to uae ( dubai, people will say daaaaaaamn )as a civil engineer ( 20 years of studying ) but i thought that my world will become beautiful and my life will change, unfortunately it is getting worse ( 3 years experience ).
to me the first think that may change your loneliness is money and your relations in job as i ' m for example paid only 750 $ per month ( welcome to the middle east ) and i have a site construction i m working in ( no human sharing realtionship (only with labors)since one year and half.
i m taking the public transport every day, and keep thinking all the time about my job situation and my loneliness
sometimes i feel like i cannot establish a conversation with any person and have the feeling totally blocked
at the age of 29 years i m living with my sister and her husband because i can t afford a good way of living due to my very low salary, i ve send my CV to 100 company at least but no one responded me ( strange )
I m not married and have only one friend since i came !!!!!
so every think affected me more and more
please if someone can help me, i will be Grateful
rect
thank you for sharing this subject which is really affected deeply my way of living specially since i left my country.
Im an arabic guy moved to uae ( dubai, people will say daaaaaaamn )as a civil engineer ( 20 years of studying ) but i thought that my world will become beautiful and my life will change, unfortunately it is getting worse ( 3 years experience ).
to me the first think that may change your loneliness is money and your relations in job as i ' m for example paid only 950 $ per month ( welcome to the middle east ) and i have a site construction i m working in ( no human sharing realtionship (only with labors)since one year and half.
i m taking the public transport every day, and keep thinking all the time about my job situation and my loneliness
sometimes i feel like i cannot establish a conversation with any person and have the feeling totally blocked
at the age of 29 years i m living with my sister and her husband because i can t afford a good way of living due to my very low salary, i ve send my CV to 100 company at least but no one responded me ( strange )
I m not married and have only one friend since i came !!!!!
so every think affected me more and more
please if someone can help me, i will be Grateful
I'm going out on a limb here
I'm going out on a limb here to say that our technology is a big part of the loneliness
We can "connect" with millions of people but never feel close to them, we can text a million people but never feel the feelings in the message.
I'm a baby boomer, and now that my children are grown I've never been more lonely in my life.
Sure they text me, but over the years of this I've lost the feeling behind the message...I'd rather hear I love you or I miss you, I'd rather see it in their eyes.
I have "friends" on a social media site that I cannot connect to in any meaningful way...As I sit on a bus I watch as people sitting 2 inches apart are texting others instead of talking.
Our social standing can make us lonely too...if you haven't the money to "go out"...you don't own a car... people will push you out of their group too.
I'm a female and had my first heart attack at 47, depression, loneliness, and stress are killers, in a very real way
I was quite moved by this
I was quite moved by this article. All these facts gathered together give clear overview of loneliness and what it can result in. A good piece of text, btw. Still there is no place for hope here. Only a recommendation given to take care of your own loneliness whilst not a single link was provided to any other post/article that could act as a source of finding a piece of advice what to do next. Motivation level zero, to be honest.
The takeaway
Sometimes those with depression make their loneliness a self fulfilling prophecy. If someone you know excludes themself from the group, there's no harm in asking if they're okay.
yes, loneliness
So how to fight this loneliness?
Sometimes you just don't find the right kind of people to mingle with, forget about finding friends.
Is it a good idea to be with a group that gives you constant stress?
Some people find it hard to make friends, especially when you grow older.
That is exactly my problem...
I moved to a new town for my career a little over 4 years ago. It is a town of only 10,000 people and that includes the community college. I have met many people and made lots of "friends." They aren't the right kind of people for me, though. They are rude, selfish, and change their ways with whoever they are hanging out with. All of these traits are finally coming to light as the time goes on and I am getting to my breaking point.
I have no potential significant other in sight (which is fine), I don't have any family nearby, and I don't have real friends. The last statement is where I am feeling particularly lonely. I keep hanging out with them because I thrive on social interaction, but it is becoming more negative than positive.
I set a goal when I moved here to stay long enough that the district would pay off my student loans. I am very goal driven and I need to see this goal through. I am just not sure how I can make it another year and a half with the intensity of my loneliness.
Sexism should stop
"...College freshmen..."
Stop using sexist words such as freshmen. It is hardly surprising that women get lonely when even the language often excludes them.
Are you for real? That's what
Are you for real? That's what first-students are called. Then they're sophomores, juniors, and seniors. Good l••d not everything is some sexist conspiracy!!!
Mental and Physical Health Issues Associated with Loneliness
It was surprising to me of all the effects that loneliness has on someone. The article talked about how loneliness can cause a lot of health issues, mentally and physical. Most people underestimate when someone is lonely. Just because someone appears to have a lot of friends, married or even very active in their community, loneliness can easily go unnoticed.
good article, but horrible advice
Good article in my ways, except the end saying "Therefore, make sure to take steps when you are lonely, and to educate lonely people around you about the dangers of remaining lonely.". Seriously? This is obviously coming from someone who has an easy way to get social interactions if needed. Offer some ideas, links, etc. People don't need to be educated that they're lonely, they need help!
Loneliness
I did not find this article helpful and question the author's motive in scaring lonely persons about the fact of their loneliness without giving nary a suggestion for how to overcome it (maybe follow the links to his website and resources?) I also question the veracity of bloggers who claim that studies show xyz, but then don't cite the studies. The notion that everyone can spot a lonely person and that they then proceed to push the lonely person further to the margins of society is downright sinister. I appreciated several of the comments on this blog, but believe that Mr. Winch's article should be taken off Psychology Today's website.
Loneliness must be a
Loneliness must be a condition of the soul. Why else would you feel alone with friends,family or lovers? Is it your soul that is lonely? Why would a person feel alone with lots of people?
One Less Thing To Worry About.
So, what I could understand that, loneliness is a mental condition. It happens when you have no friends and family or when you have everyone around you but still you feel that you don't have any meaningful relationship with them.
In my case, I live away from my family. All though its just my mom and dad we don't have any relatives. I also don't have any friends, just the people I work with. And I don't see any future where I'll be in a relationship with any woman.
This article suggests that if I'm lonely for a long time, my chances of dying is going to increase by 14%. So, that's one less thing to worry about. I don't have to take this shit for long.
socipaths peopled my life
When all you have had are interactions with narcissists, sociopaths, drunks, and antisocial personality disorders, you want to be alone. That was my life. And I want to be free of that debacle.