36 Questions to Bring You Closer Together
Get to know someone and create a sense of intimacy, in as little as an hour.
Posted Oct 15, 2013 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
These questions only take about 45 minutes to discuss—and they almost always make two people feel better about each other and want to see each other again, according to social psychology researcher Arthur Aron of the Interpersonal Relationships Lab at Stony Brook University in New York, who published his results in "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness" in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (1997).
You can try these questions with a date, but they're not necessarily only applicable to fostering romance. You can also try them with people you already know well—friends, family members, even long-term partners—to deepen your ties.
Each of you should take a turn answering each question. Here they are, in order:
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, who would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you're going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a perfect day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you've dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "we are both in this room feeling..."
26. Complete this sentence "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them. Be honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Here are a few variations:
- If you could choose the sex and physical appearance of your soon-to-be-born child, would you do it?
- Would you be willing to have horrible nightmares for a year if you would be rewarded with extraordinary wealth?
- While on a trip to another city, your spouse/lover meets and spends a night with an exciting stranger. Given that they will never meet again, and could never otherwise learn of the incident, would you want your partner to tell you about it?
Deep Questions
I definitely think this is a list of questions that would help two people come to know each other much better. I believe questions such as would you keep the mind or body of a 30 year old tell you a lot about the person answering not only in the specific answer but also in their reasoning. There are a couple of questions I believe many people would find too personal on early dates however. The one that stood out most was the question of which family member's death would disturb you most. I believe that is best left to later in the relationship discussions.
1234567he
I think you'd need to pick and choose among these questions and see how the conversation went. The questions were developed as part of a scientific study intended to establish that intimacy can be developed quickly. But sometimes in real life we want to slow the process down. Or you might want to use it to deepen intimacy later.
For example, I am thinking of going through this exercise with a man I have known now for 15 months who tends to be reticent about talking about his past or feelings.
Thank you for your interest!
Great way to come closer
Yes, You are right. These are questions which can make TWO to come closer. I am completely agree with your thoughts.
Visit My Website Also
Anonymous wrote:
I definitely think this is a list of questions that would help two people come to know each other much better. I believe questions such as would you keep the mind or body of a 30 year old tell you a lot about the person answering not only in the specific answer but also in their reasoning. There are a couple of questions I believe many people would find too personal on early dates however. The one that stood out most was the question of which family member's death would disturb you most. I believe that is best left to later in the relationship discussions.
Follow-up
So I know this is a month later, but I just happened on your article now - and actually I'm really interested to know whether you've done this with the man you mention, and if so, how it went?
I'm particularly curious because I recognise a kind of reticence in myself on articulating some things. I don't think it's exactly a reticence about sharing "personal things" so much as a sense that it can take what feels like a lot of energy to even begin to process a lot of questions into a serial verbal format suitable for pouring into someone else's ears - maybe similar to the reticence that a typical introvert might feel at the prospect of going to a crowded, noisy, busy party where they have to stand up for ages. Ha, and yes, I also identify strongly with typical introvert characteristics :)
So for myself I actually ended up feeling quite threatened by the prospect of being asked many of the questions - kind of a "yuck, answering this is going to be a big effort and it's going to take a lot out of me" - and I'm curious if the man you mention might respond in any similar ways. I guess the answer to that question depends a lot on the reasons behind what you describe as his reticence.
I'm probably revealing a lot about my own insecurities through my reactions here :) Which in itself is interesting for me. In any case, thanks for the article.
We did get about halfway
We did get about halfway through the questions and it was very helpful. But it took us much longer than 45 minutes, which is why we only got halfway. I feel a real shift towards more intimacy. However, he is very willing to push himself to open up.
thanks!
I very much enjoyed this list. I'm going to print it and keep it in my room. Each time I go on a date with my bf, I'm going to pick one and keep it in mind. If we have a lull and I want to stir the pot, I'll start a discussion around it. I think that questions like these can make our time together much more interesting and memorable, and people don't always have great conversational skills these days to rely on. Thanky! :-)
Also found this worthwhile
Thank you for printing this list. Like one of the previous writers I just came across it and plan to print it. The questions will be useful as I restart my social life after a 25 year hiatus. One or two questions per get together should work, more if I'm really interested in developing an intimate relationship with the man.
Thanks again!
I like the concept a lot. How
I like the concept a lot. How a person answers these questions would provide a shortcut to knowing a bit about their personal morals and motives which would either, implicitly, quickly put up walls or take them down. Having that insight would allow trust to be initiated and built upon and lead to quicker and more self exposure.
To grow close
Like the Questionnaire, hopefully both of us would enjoy these. I would use a few of these when we have social gatherings to open lively discussions . Thanks .Will report how it went.
The secret algorithm
At long last the secret of ratcheting up intimacy is revealed! I might drop from exhaustion after question 4. Perhaps my brain is starved of oxygen or else the feeling of hypoxia is a testament to the efficiency of this method. Bear in mind that questions beget more questions. You don't really believe your interlocutor is going to stop after 36, do you?
What? I really don't feel
What? I really don't feel that this list of questions would necessarily make me feel good about the other person or feel closer to them. It would depend on how the questions were asked and how our discussion of them went--if they ask in a genuinely interested, open-to-listening way, I'd feel closer, but I'd feel closer if they asked any questions in that way. Someone who asks in a way I feel is invasive, demanding or not-listening still would not make me feel closer--again, whether it's this list of questions or any other.
But the questions are
But the questions are designed to override evolution, the unconscious influence of pheremones and the complementary immune responses of compatible couples--not to mention involuntary physical attraction and repulsion. It takes only 45 minutes and 36 questions to outwit mother nature!
Well...
I went into it with faith that it'd be a good thing and my spouse started scrolling on one question while I was talking (to see the next question). Then he got up to get something to eat while I was on the "life story" question and just yelled for me to keep talking because he was listening.
So it didn't work for me and now I feel like we're doomed. :(
Gratitude quotes
Thank you for your wonderful contribution- its awesome-Healing
Bless you
thankyou
yes i tried it but i think it should be done part by part as it takes too long and breaks the motion .
Thanks....but have you ever actually been married?
Dear Psychology Today: Thank you for this Facebook link, probably aimed at women between the age of 30-45, but I think we both know how completely irritated my husband (or any man) would be if I asked him any single one of these questions. Now, I'm no psychologist, but as an experienced wife and nagger, I can tell you that every single item on this list would elicit the "yes dear, whatever you think" response, followed by the "I have to go to the bathroom" response, in as little as three minutes, and that within the hour, we'd probably be arguing at the top of our lungs. But hey... thanks anyway, and good luck with your facebook campaign! :)
Helen
Haha! That's fantastic! You
Haha! That's fantastic! You are right for most I think.
not all men resist conversation
Hi Helen, I can't argue with you that many men would not have a negative reaction to 36 questions, but not all are that way. I plan on printing two copies of this out and pulling it out on my wife and I's next date night. We've been together 26 years and I welcome (and even need) to have the chance to connect with her on new levels. I think it would be a good idea for us to write out each others answers (or at least a summary for some of them) and keep each others copy. It's easy to get busy in life and neglect the most important relationship you have. If you really have an interest in sharing these questions with your husband (which is why I assume you read the article), maybe try a non-typical approach to the typical male attitude. Have some fun with it. Many males respond good to a "reward for participation" deal, and may find that opening up, even a little, is the real reward. Or, try the sincere approach..."this is something that is important to me, can we spend a few minutes each night/week/month sharing our answers" Give him the opportunity to "pass" on questions that make him to uncomfortable. I don't know you or your husband, but I do know that there are NO men that have "no emotions", just many that that lack practice expressing them, for many societal and cultural reasons and both men and women tend to follow an unwritten, gender script, in their conversations that keep these patterns reoccurring. If you want a different outcome, try a different script.. Good luck
Re: not all men resist conversation.
Thank you Michael for this positive and helpful response. I shall copy it out to keep with the list of questions for future use.
ha!
Good Answer! Perfectly said!
Not all men are the same
Helen, though I understand your position is based upon your experience - as all of us gather perceived truths from how our world reacts to us - saying that "we both know how completely irritated any man would be if asked these questions", is an inaccurate stereotype.
Not all men are unemotional and irritated by deep conversations, just like all women are not over-emotional and naggers. I, for one, love these questions and greatly enjoy deep conversations that last hours. My ex-wife could not hold a deep emotional conversation for more than fifteen minutes without losing interest.
I realize I am not the standard by wich all men are measured, but your negative comments toward all men are inaccurate and harmful by perpetuating a false stereotype.
I totally disagree
As a guy I can truthfully say that I would be extremely intrigued by this! I don't want to offend, but maybe you are just with the wrong guy, or a guy who deep down doesn't care about you. I went through the first set of questions with my girlfriend and it took well over 45 minutes, but I was intruiged and fully embraced in the conversation. I find it very sexist that you categorize all males to be "that guy" who doesn't care. Find a guy who wants to get to know you on every level possible. I've been pushed around and been treated like shit because I'm THAT GUY who will sit there and listen to you when you have problems, who asks you how your day was and sincerely wants to know every single detail, and who wants to know what is going through your mind. That is what is wrong with today's society, significant others/partners truly do not care about each other. People get married too soon without truly knowing who they are about to "spend the rest of their lives with". I love my girlfriend to the end of the universe and could not picture my life without her, and I've come close to losing her by wanting to know every little detail of her day. Can you say the same thing about your significant other/spouse? If not I would reconsider your relationship
I totally disagree
As a guy I can truthfully say that I would be extremely intrigued by this! I don't want to offend, but maybe you are just with the wrong guy, or a guy who deep down doesn't care about you. I went through the first set of questions with my girlfriend and it took well over 45 minutes, but I was intruiged and fully embraced in the conversation. I find it very sexist that you categorize all males to be "that guy" who doesn't care. Find a guy who wants to get to know you on every level possible. I've been pushed around and been treated like shit because I'm THAT GUY who will sit there and listen to you when you have problems, who asks you how your day was and sincerely wants to know every single detail, and who wants to know what is going through your mind. That is what is wrong with today's society, significant others/partners truly do not care about each other. People get married too soon without truly knowing who they are about to "spend the rest of their lives with". I love my girlfriend to the end of the universe and could not picture my life without her, and I've come close to losing her by wanting to know every little detail of her day. Can you say the same thing about your significant other/spouse? If not I would reconsider your relationship
Common Knowledge
I don't know, maybe it's just me and my marriage. These are questions that after many years of marriage you should already know about your spouse. I have been married for thirteen years, since I was 21. We have four children together, he is my best friend, my partner, my other half, my soul mate. There is not one thing about his childhood, his feelings, his mother, his most embarrassing memories, whatever, that I do not already know. I know what he's gonna say before he opens his mouth. A questionnaire like this may be helpful to a couple just starting out, but it will not do anything for a couple who already knows the ins and outs. Furthermore, if this Were thirteen years ago and my husband were to sit down with me and read off questions like this, I don't know that I would appreciate it. I mean, it just seems so, impersonal. Almost like an interview. If you have been together for a long period of time and do not know these things, you have intimacy issues that I just don't believe a questionnaire can help. Sorry.
I tried it...
Even though I ended feeling worse than starting off, I do have to say that there were a couple of things we found out about each other, even though we've known each other for 20 years. Most were minor things. And one was something I knew, but I hadn't realized the extent to how strong he felt about it.
Because I don't see it as TOTALLY pointless, so we might try it again later.
There's a bit of fluff there
There's a bit of fluff there but thats some good stuff. Nice work, I'll definitely try this with my wife... not that we need encouragement but it's always good to have thoughtful dialogue regardless if you're dating or in a relationship. Cheers.
nice topic
That's So true... thank you so much for this article
Nice article
indeed very helpful questions for any relationship
NIce
NIce
I think some of these
I think some of these questions arent a subject matter I would WANT to bring up to someone I am just getting to know. But otherise, pretty good set of questions for people who don't know each other well. Now we need a set of questions for couples who need to reconnect and bring intimacy BACK!
Nice
Nice.. thank you for sharing this..
Must read.
I found it worth reading. seriously needed this now.Thank you so much.
No sexism!
"...him or her to know...."
People should put these gender words in alphabetical order, rather than using the sexist male word first convention by default.
Really?
You're joking, right?
Answers that constantly change
If you are young, there will be one set of answers, married for 5 yrs another, and married yet 20 yrs a completely different answer. Take it one step further to one spouse surviving and one dead, the living one at graveside and the dead answering, yet differing still the answer.
#6 If asked when I was young, then it would be of body, so I could play the days of young love for 90 years. If asked after, 10 years of marriage with only one still born child, I would answer "mind" since my body failed to produce a child and spends much time, kneeling in prayer. Now after 37 years of marriage, my body racked with pain of cancer and deformed with arthritis but sharp of mind, I would answer body again, to be free of pain for just one last time. When God's time comes, and he takes my life's love away, I would not know what to say. A mind so sharp, it cuts me with sorrow? but trapped in a body that can offer no solace? A body, quick and strong, with no love to embrace it? Only enough to remember the love of my life has departed and I am to live 60yrs with out him?
They are fluff to fill an hour with thought, only pertinent to that moment in time. Like life, the answers are ever changing.
beautifully put
Beautifully put Giselle. These questions were designed for people who have just met to force a level of openness that people just don't share with those they've only known for 45 minutes. Sharing these questions with your best friend/partner/spouse can seem redundant but their thoughts on certain subjects might be changed due to current affairs. Now for someone like me I've only been dating my boyfriend for a few months and i look forward to getting to know him on a deeper level and build a solid foundation for a future with these questions. I plan on keeping a copy of these questions and revisiting them occasionally to hopefully continue that closeness in the years to come.
There's an app that has the these questions
There's an app that has these questions and an exercise at the end where you gaze into each other's eyes for four minutes.
It's available for the iPhone and Android. If you're interested in trying it, search for the app "36 Questions That Lead To Love" on the app store or in Google Play.
great activity
I used these questions during a Relationships unit that I taught to several of my high school classes. When both partners participate and give thought to their responses, the activity works wonderfully. I have had phenomenal responses from students who took the questions seriously. A common response at the end of the activity is, "I can't believe how much we talked about. I feel like they know everything about me."
36 Questions iPhone app
It's been amazing to see people's reaction to this quiz. I think it's really struck a chord with people. Like all good things, there's an app for it too - http://appsto.re/i6Bv77H
36 Questions Card Game
If you liked the 36 Questions, please support the Kickstarter card version of it at http://kck.st/1Bk6YVh
Good friendzone questions
I'm very intellectual; I'm really passionate about history, philosophy, technology, health, entrepreneurship etc. I love to go deep with people but if I try to talk to attractive young girls about these kinds of topics in these 36 questions they will lose interest in me so fast! There's several simple, yet entertaining subjects that make for good conversation with attractive girls:
Pets & animals
Sexuality & kinks
Her family & your family
Travel experiences
Cultural difference & foreign languages
Fashion (what she is wearing, what you are wearing)
Movies and books she likes
Food & deserts
Dancing & partying
Booze & drugs
Breaking the law, getting arrested, times you almost died, etc
These are topics that actually move an awkward first date toward sex.
Good Friendzone Questions
"These are topics that actually move an awkward first date toward sex."? Really?! Who wants an awkward first date to move towards sex? An awkward first date is an awkward first date. The idea isn't to secure sex with the 36 questions, the idea is to work towards a closer relationship.
Yes, but
I feel Jonathan provides a broader scope that is relevant to people coming here for different reasons. Sex on a first date is still an intimate relationship.
sandwiches
What do you do if your partner refuses to take it seriously and answers all of the questions with statements about sandwiches?