Why Ghosting Hurts So Much
Ghosting says nothing about your worthiness for love.
Posted Nov 27, 2015 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
The opposite of love isn’t hate, it's indifference. Ghosting, for those of you who haven’t yet experienced it, is having someone that you believe cares about you, whether it be a friend or someone you are dating, disappear from contact without any explanation at all. No phone call or email, not even a text.
Ghosting isn’t new—people have long engaged in disappearing acts—but years ago this kind of behavior was considered limited to a certain type of scoundrel. In today’s dating culture being ghosted is a phenomenon that approximately 50 percent of men and women have experienced—and an almost equal number have done the ghosting.1 Despite how common ghosting is, the emotional effects can be devastating, and particularly damaging to those who already have fragile self-esteem.
Why do people ghost?
People who ghost are primarily focused on avoiding their own emotional discomfort and they aren’t thinking about how it makes the other person feel. The lack of mutual social connections for people who met online also means there are fewer social consequences of dropping out of another’s life. The more it happens, either to themselves or their friends, the more people become desensitized to it, and the more likely they are to do it to someone else.
- “I didn't understand exactly how I actually felt at the time, so instead of trying to talk it out, I ghosted.” 2
- “I used to disappear when it was all I thought it was [a fling], or I got scared of finding what I wanted… Or some kind of fear factor from a past relationship kicks in.” 2
- “Looking through the lens of a coward, passive withdrawal from dating seems like the easiest and nicest route… until it’s done to you.” 3
- “I kind of think that it's part of what makes the online-dating scene so appealing. Since you don't have friends in common or weren't introduced through some other channel, it's not the end of the world if you just drop off the face of the earth.” 4
- “I, for one, consider myself to be an honest and straightforward person. And yet I’ve ghosted... And I’ve told myself, time and time again, that it’s all the fault of the toxic dating culture we’ve created. And at the end of the day, I think that’s what we’re all telling ourselves.” 5
How does it feel to be ghosted?
For many people, ghosting can result in feelings of being disrespected, used and disposable. If you have known the person beyond more than a few dates then it can be even more traumatic. When someone we love and trust disengages from us it feels like a very deep betrayal.
- “I felt like an idiot. Like I had been played a fool. And more so I felt disrespected. Take the romantics away, to have a great connection with a new friend and then all of a sudden never hear from them again? That’s painful and really disappointing. No one deserves to be blown off.” 6
- “It still felt a bit like someone had punched me in the gut when it happened. The disregard is insulting. The lack of closure is maddening. You move on, but not before your self-esteem takes a hit. The only thing worse than being broken up with is realizing that someone didn’t even consider you worth breaking up with.” 7
- “Going from texting every day and seeing each other a couple of times a week to nothing without the slightest hint of why was a kick in the gut.” 8
- “Ghosting is one of the cruelest forms of torture dating can serve up.” 9
Why does it feel so bad?
Social rejection activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain.10 In fact, you can reduce the emotional pain of rejection with a pain medication like Tylenol.11 But in addition to this biological link between rejection and pain, there are some specific factors about ghosting that contribute to the psychological distress.
Ghosting gives you no cue for how to react. It creates the ultimate scenario of ambiguity. Should you be worried? What if they are hurt and lying in a hospital bed somewhere? Should you be upset? Maybe they are just a little busy and will be calling you at any moment. You don’t know how to react because you don’t really know what has happened. Staying connected to others is so important to our survival that our brain has evolved to have a social monitoring system that scans the environment for cues so that we know how to respond in social situations.12 Social cues allow us to regulate our own behavior accordingly, but ghosting deprives you of these usual cues and can create a sense of emotional dysregulation where you feel out of control.
One of the most insidious aspects of ghosting is that it doesn’t just cause you to question the validity of the relationship you had, it causes you to question yourself. Why didn’t I see this coming? How could I have been such a poor judge of character? What did I do to cause this? How do I protect myself from this ever happening again? This self-questioning is the result of basic psychological systems that are in place to monitor one’s social standing and relay that information back to the person via feelings of self-worth and self-esteem. When a rejection occurs your self-esteem can drop, which social psychologists propose is meant to be a signal that your social belonging is low.13 If you have been through multiple ghostings or if your self-esteem is already low, you are likely to experience the rejection as even more painful, and it may take you longer to get over it as people with lower-self-esteem have less natural opioid (pain-killer) released into the brain after a rejection when compared with those whose self-esteem is higher.14
Ghosting is the ultimate use of the silent treatment, a tactic that has often been viewed by mental health professionals as a form of emotional cruelty.15 It essentially renders you powerless and leaves you with no opportunity to ask questions or be provided with information that would help you emotionally process the experience. It silences you and prevents you from expressing your emotions and being heard, which is important for maintaining your self-esteem.
Regardless of the ghoster’s intent, ghosting is a passive-aggressive interpersonal tactic that can leave psychological bruises and scars.
How do you move forward?
The important thing to remember is that when someone ghosts you, it says nothing about you or your worthiness for love and everything about the person doing the ghosting. It shows he or she doesn’t have the courage to deal with the discomfort of their emotions or yours, and they either don't understand the impact of their behavior or worse don’t care. In any case, they have sent you an extremely loud message that says: I don’t have what it takes to have a mature healthy relationship with you. Be the better person, retain your dignity, and let him or her go peacefully.
Don’t allow someone else’s bad behavior to rob you of a better future by losing your vulnerability and shutting yourself off from another relationship. Keep your energy focused on doing what makes you happy. Know that if you are someone who treats people with respect and integrity then the ghoster simply wasn’t on your wavelength and someone better is coming your way, as long as you keep your heart open and your focus forward.
For more, see When Is It OK to Ghost Someone?
References
http://www.elle.com/life-love/sex-relationships/advice/a12787/girls-ghos...
http://www.chicagonow.com/accidentally-sexy/2015/03/ghosting-three-guys-...
http://goodguyswag.com/ghosting-when-a-nice-guy-is-too-scared-to-say-no/
http://www.vice.com/read/i-asked-men-why-they-ghosted-me-511
http://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2015/08/why-good-people-ghost-how...
http://www.therefinedwoman.com/ghosting-so-thats-like-a-thing-now/
http://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2015/08/why-good-people-ghost-how...
http://www.gq.com/story/the-reason-you-just-got-ghosted
http://goodguyswag.com/ghosting-when-a-nice-guy-is-too-scared-to-say-no/
Krossa, E., Bermana, M., Mischelb, W., Edward E. Smith, and Wager, T. 2011. Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS), 108 (15), p. 6270–6275, doi: 10.1073/pnas.1102693108.
DeWall, C., et al. 2010. Acetaminophen Reduces Social Pain: Behavioral and Neural Evidence. Psychological Sciences, 21 (7), p. 931 -7
Cynthia L. Pickett, C., Gardner, W., and Knowles, M. 2004. Getting a Cue: The Need to Belong and Enhanced Sensitivity to Social Cues. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 30 (9), p. 1095-1107.
Leary, M. R., Haupt, A. L., Strausser, K. S., & Chokel, J. T. 1998. Calibrating the sociometer: The relationship between interpersonal appraisals and state self-esteem. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74, p.1290-1299.
Hsu, D. et al. 2013. Response of the μ-opioid system to social rejection and acceptance. Molecular Psychiatry, 18, p. 1211–1217.
Williams, C., Richardson, D. Hammock, G., Janit, S. 2012. Perceptions of physical and psychological aggression in close relationships: A review. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 17, (6), p. 489–494.
And what if you've been
And what if you've been married to this person for 30 years. Should I just let him slip out the back door with no explanation and say that's ok I shouldn't have allowed myself to be fooled by you.
Ghosting
You can't call it ghosting. That is just plain pathological.
You aren't the fool for taking a chance
If you had that long of a relationship, you had plenty of evidence of a relationship and expectations that the other person would be present and interact over any problems that arise.
They changed behaviors. You didn't get fooled. They changed who they are. I've seen a friend committed to marriage, suddenly get divorced, switch to lesbian (who looks like her ex-husband), and drop all her closest friends. Sometimes people break with themselves into a new identity when they can't handle their own problems directly. Sounds like you were on the receiving end of that.
Horrible to experience. Has nothing to do with you whatsoever. You were available, if he'd come to you with his concerns.
I think this story and your
I think this story and your situations are worlds apart...light years apart. Not even apples and oranges...more like apples and unicycles.
Ghosting
I was cheated on and ghosted after five years. Only pathetic and cowardly people do these types of things.
Email this great herbal
Email this great herbal doctor cured me from herpes virus and he brought my ex lover back via his email robinsonbuckler@ yahoo. com ........Thanks to Robinson buckler ..
ghosting
Great article. I have a good friend who recently experienced ghosting. She really thought she had great connection and he just disappeared after several months of dating. She's pretty depressed about it coupled with the fact that it happened around the same time of a potential job layoff. She feels devalued and used in the workforce as well as in her personal life. I hate to see her this way as shes more hurt by the ghosting than anything else, and I feel powerless to help her. No matter how much I tell her about her great qualities, she remains deeply saddened that the guy disappeared. She tried to get a response from him but to no avail which I guess makes the pain even greater. I don't know how to help her other than to let time pass for her heart to heal.
I experienced this in first
I experienced this in first hand. It happened with someone I was deeply in love and trusted 100%. He would disappear for months at the time because, according to him, he had his own issues that he wanted to solve them alone. I was left alone, wondering what I had done wrong, what happened, why was I being "punished", why did he pushed me away. We ended up breaking up after 8 years "together". Years later, he admitted that he had other women and even had fathered a child during those awful years.
Trust me, your friend is better off than spending years with a coward that takes her for granted.
NSP
Your ex-partner is probably a narcissist.
ghosting
philly, I feel bad for your friend too. Ghosting is one the cruelest things one human being can do to another. When you've shared so much of yourself with a person, it's going to hurt that they no longer want you in their life. But when they appear not to even value you enough to have a conversation when they clearly know the great pain that will cause is traumatic. However, maybe it will help your friend and others to remember there are a limited set of reasons someone ends a relationship via ghosting: cowardice, selfishness, immaturity, a pathological disorder, or just plain evil. None of those things are qualities of someone you want to be with romantically or platonically. When she feels the pain creeping in she should try focusing on that. It won't make the pain go away completely and in my experience, it never does - but it will lessen it.
And to all the ghoster's out there, if you have even the tiniest bit of a heart then please, please change your ways. It's never too late to reach out to someone and apologize. Even if it's been years it will make them feel a lot better to knee you cared and you just might find you feel a lot better too.
"Ghosting is one the cruelest things one human being can do"
Lets hope GHOSTING is the worst a person ever does to another. But this statement is a bit or a reach to say the least. My mother, grandfather, father, aunts uncles beat and rapped me until I was 13. I was beaten so bad by the age of 3 I was left medically deaf.
That said I DO NOT believe in comparative suffering....but come the hell on! Being "DITCHED" is not even close to the darkness in the world. It is not even in the same damn ballpark.
This comment made me actually want a drink to stop the shaking in my head but I dont drink.
Next think you know ppl will claim Ghosting causes PTSD.
Ghosting
I am going to assume that this has never happened to you. Because let me say that your thinking is wrong. This happened to me 4 months ago and I am not any better than I was on day one. And we were MARRIED. I'm sorry to hear about your physical abuse. But physical pain eventually goes away. Emotional scarring is at the very least EQUALLY as painful. Trust me.
Thank u
This comment helped me so much. You just helped my confidence and helped me start to heal. This article is excellent. Best ive read to actually manage to reach me and its exactly what i needed to read. :-)
Reply
That thank u was meant for Tylers comment. Landed in a strange place. :-s
Ghosting is childish behavior.
What is so hard with saying:
"I am not interested, thank you for your time and good luck."
" I am no longer interested, thank you for the wonderful shared experiences, good luck."
It is cruel to ghost someone. Just be direct so both of you can move on. If you love/ like someone, set them free without pain.
Courage and backbone. Some
Courage and backbone. Some people clearly have neither.
If only it were so simple, right?
They're either afraid - or it's about power & control on their part. They just don't seem to want you to know the truth, thinking you're the one who needs to learn a lesson.
What I really hate is the notion some give out that they love you & can't wait to see you again. And then they don't return phone calls & stop writing ... then you find out from afar they got engaged, have a better paid job & have cooler, more sophisticated friends ... this was back in the days when Friends & Seinfeld ruled NBC, mind you
I still wonder what I did wrong - no temper tantrums, no racist or otherwise inappropriate remarks, no jealousy toward her beautiful new existence. I probably just didn't grow & change like her - I also think her daddy & her fiancé may have had a hand in her "disappearance".
Money & Friends
Who cares about the pay and “cooler” friends… you have to look inside yourself and analyze what is wrong with you. If you care about the money someone else is making, just didn’t care for him but his wallet and if you envy the friends of other over yours because their coolness, you can’t have friends, you just use people.
Ghosting
I just want to respond to a question, “why not just say I’m not interested in you?” I have ghosted a few people (men mostly) because after I tell them I am not interested they continue to contact me. I block their phone numbers and email address. I feel they have overstepped my boundaries. They initiated the breakdown by insulting me.
You prove everyday you are
You prove everyday you are not worth getting to know because you are shallow, selfish, bitter, manipulative,detached empty human being with no clue about being in a relationship.
You need a whole team pf psychiatrists to work on you and your emotionally broken soul. You do not even half the courage to be honest with someone- it says you are a fraud and you know it, but this is just the easiest way out. You did these men a favor, although I am not sure they realize it but in time they will.
Seriously?
What kind of misogynistic drivel are you insinuating? The men were HARASSING the OP, ignoring her "no" and continuing to make advances on her despite her requests that they stop. Being "ghosted" was the LEAST these men deserved, since they clearly did not listen to her requests telling them to piss off. If I were her, I would have done even more/worse.
Hi Kathy, it's not the same.
Hi Kathy, it's not the same. If you told these men that you're not interested then you're not ghosting them by blocking them after you explained. Ghosting is when you just completely cut someone off without even giving them the "not interested" or any other explanation. So, you're definitely not a ghoster.
Been there, not done that
Modern hookup culture doesn't have commitment as a pretext. So when someone up and "ghosts" you, well, they really haven't violated the social contract now have they?
As for the person who commented about someone walking after 30 years of marriage. That does happen but when it does there is so much more to the story that we're not getting.
Commitment is not a requirement for decency
Commitment is not required in order to treat people with decency kindness and respect.
This is an old article and thread, but still interesting in 2018
Like any situation in life, there's a lot more to this kind of situation than can be talked about or commented in the limited space of a web page and text box.
For me, Ghosting is LIMITED to a participant in a short term situation (aka a few dates, "going out a week or three" at most), who suddenly without any reason whatsoever ends the (POTENTIAL, POSSIBLE, or PROSPECTIVE) relationship cold turkey, so to speak. Ghosting is where the Ghostee has NOT provided any reason whatsoever for the Ghoster to split, instantly as if by magic.
Ghosting is NOT someone moving out of a shared apartment. (If you live together there's a reason he or she split.) Ghosting is NOT a spouse without notice of intent moves out in the dead of night and cuts off contact.
Accepting my definitions as accurate (for my purposes they are), I confess I have ghosted women, and they have ghosted me. And regardless of I or others doing the Ghosting, the ghostee always, as the author says, "took the hint" and moved on without a scene or incident.
Note: Many times my ghosting morphed into a plain ol' breakup, where we talked things out and explained why the other lost interest in pursuing a relationship.
Bottom Line: Ghosting is not as nasty a device as the author and some commenters think it is. Ghosting does NOT apply to relationships. It is a legitimate "technique" to tell someone "I am NOT interested in pursuing our situation to the next level."
Ghosting means you won't be trading apt. keys, you won't be spending a first holidays together, you don't know the names, occupations, or location of relatives, and there's no personal property to remove from the other's apartment.
IOW ghosting is not the major emotional event this article and the comments attempt to make it out to be. Yeah, it is a downer to find out someone you are interested in, perhaps hoping "she is the one," does not have reciprocal feelings.
But that's life. If you date on a regular basis, sooner or later you are going to be ghosted. That's the way the weenie wobbles folks.
Not so simple
Mike, i get what you are saying, trust me, I do. I happen to disagree with one premise though. I was recently ghosted by a woman that I lived with for 8 months and have known and "seen" for years. We didn't even have the least bit of an argument and then I was ghosted. She waited until I was at work and removed most of her belongings and never gave me an answer. Sometimes people are just cruel. It is that simple. Does it hurt? yes, mainly because they thought so little of you that they would just didn't find you worthy enough to speak to. Is it a cruel method? Absolutely. It is weak and proves a lot about the person in my opinion considering our circumstance.
Unfortunately
Ghosting can occur in a committed live in situation. Let me share my story real quick, but not in too much detail (I hate when people type 3902343242 words lol). We lived together and I was ghosted. We did everything any other normal couple would do. Made love, hung out and laughed, went out to eat, sat home and watched tv, etc. Only had one semi argument and in the middle of it, she got up, got dressed and said she'd be back. She came back the next morning. Okay, it happens. I knew where she was and we talked. Fast forward a few weeks ago. We had a normal week. Target, Walmart, etc. Thursday we went out to eat and just laughed and talked like we always did. About each others day, etc. Went home and watched Netflix. She fell asleep on my chest and we went to bed. Woke up Friday, both got ready for work like we always did. When she would leave for work, she would search me out (if i was downstairs, etc) and would literally fall in to me and kiss me and say, "bye". She did this Friday.
During the day she texted me like she always did and i texted her back. When I got home on Friday, she wasn't there. She texted me and said that she was over her friends house having a few glasses of wine and that she would be home in a little while and that she didn't want me to think that she went missing.
Then boom. Nothing, nada. I sent out a text on Saturday asking if she was okay, and she said, "yes, I just needed to be by myself last night and that I am not used to this and I can't stay there every day." Nothing else. Betrayal, heart breaking, etc., and I can honestly say that anyone that thinks this behavior is okay is wrong. It is the cruelest form of mental abuse that I have ever endured. What makes matters worse is that 95% of her belongings are still at the house and I reminded daily that the woman i cherished/adored/loved and literally considered my best friend (which I do have a lot of college and high school friends still around) didn't think enough of me as a person and partner to just break up with me.
I'm interested in this article too, but...
I appreciate the point you are trying to make. But what you are admitting is that you didn't have the balls (aka guts/courage,etc.) to tell the person you weren't interested. You simply assumed that they would "take the hint." Yes, we certainly do take the hints, and yet the damage is still done, and you get to continue on living as if nothing had happen because you assumed that they took the hint. That my friend, is the mark of a true coward, a scum who can't deal with their actions directly. You have no way of knowing for sure if you hurt the feelings of the ones you dated. But it doesn't matter right? Because they "took the hint", so you get to continue your life scot free. Well, let me tell you... at some point you will have to pay for what you've done in your life, and for the people you've hurt by not having the balls to take some responsibility and/or show some damn basic decency.
ghosting
Jose, you said exactly what I wanted to say, but better. Thank you!
Not really, Michael
Ghosting - even in a short term relationship - is absolutely NOT a legitimate way of showing that you are not interested in anything more. I could understand it if it happened after one date - two at most. After that, it means you had a good time with the other person, talked about yourselves, started bonding - and if you find out in the 10th date you want to stop the whole thing, you absolutely don't stop answering suddenly and play dead. You inform the other person of your decision, and only engage in these practices if the other person acts crazy and does not accept it.
Ghosting....you're crazy
Mike you are crazy and you sound like a narcissist....pity any woman that crosses your path...
These are experts and registered psychologists that wrote and researched for this article. There are many more articles like this written by professionals so you're saying everyone else is wrong too??? Give your head a shake...
Sometimes it's Fear on the Part of the "ghoster"
I recently had an experience where someone ghosted me. I found out later that it was because I hadn't reacted the way they thought I would to about where our relationship was. Since they felt rejected, they opted to let the relationship live in limbo by pulling away, but not outright cutting it off with a conversation.
Of course if they'd just sought clarification by being straightforward and asking a question to get a clear understanding of where the relationship was, the "ghosting" would not have been necessary and they could have saved themselves unnecessary grief. And they could have avoided confusing me as well.
ghosting
If anyone left you and you would not able to forget him and he is coming again and again in your mind what shoul I do
Been there. It's difficult to
Been there. It's difficult to wrap your head around it but it's about self worth. Think of everything you want to do in your life, make a realistic plan to do it, then do it. This puts you back in the drivers seat because at the moment you feel controlled from the outside (which is intolerable). Could be travelling, learning something new, career, hobbies, new skill....whatever it is, once you regain that feeling of independence you feel better.
People that are dishonest with one another are against humans.
People that lack honesty in their lives and that also perform this "ghosting" are a bunch of straight up cowards with no backbone. Argue otherwise and you will prove that it is also true about yourselves in your lives, period, full stop.
Live by your own standards
Its definitely tough to be ignored - I've been there and it confused me - but at the end of the day you just have to live by what you believe is right and let others do the same. Some ppl feel this behaviour is ok, but I know I could never behave like that myself, so in my world it really doesn't meet the standard. As stated in the article, you're better off with someone with whom you have compatibility and who lives by the same rules as you do. it's always difficult to relate to someone with a different moral compass so why try?
Break up monsters
I've never ghosted someone for no reason, but I've both been ghosted and had plenty of people become abusive (verbally and emotionally) after I respectfully broke up with them. In my opinion ghosting pales in comparison to the awfulness of that.
Your comment just hit the
Your comment just hit the nail in the head for me. What the article does not say is why most ghosting happens. It happens because people want to leave an abusive relationship. Why explain yourself to the abuser ?
Exactly Right, Alexis
Everyone I ghost did something horrible, toxic and unjustified immediately before I ghosted them. Always before I ghost demand an apology and they either 1) fail to give it convincingly or 2) immediately re-offend after or even with the apology.
Nobody worth having in your life for even a nanosecond acts that way. You have to love yourself, too. The earlier you ghost toxic people, the healthier you will be.
alls fair in love and war
this is my thought too. what do you do with clingy people who don't take no for an answer or who are in denial about a breakup. sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and staying with someone because they guilt trip you into it isn't healthy either and worse long term than 'ghosting'. Seems to me this is a trendy new term to further put pressure on people to stay in relationships they don't want to be in because the other person feels victimized about being rejected and can't cope with it. I've been a 'ghoster' and a 'ghostee' and both positions are unpleasant but hasn't anyone ever heard of 'all's fair in love and war'. There's no 'good' way to break up....it sucks no matter what....but at the end of the day it takes two to be in a relationship and nobody owes it to anyone to stay in a relationship when they don't want to be in it.....or even dare I say it to end it kindly. most important is that BOTH people recognize it's over and sometimes 'ghosting' is a desperate tactic used by the one who wants to leave when the other one can't/won't/doesn't want to get it.
"Plenty of people" don't
"Plenty of people" don't become emotional and verbal abusers for no reason.
Ghosting is a severe form of emotional abuse, on par with cheating. There is no respectfulness in either. Verbal abuse, even though reprehensible and hurtful, is not as insidious as pretending that, not only you ceased to exist, but also all that you ever had together was void of any true meaning, feelings or purpose, and therefore not even worthy any acknowledgement. On the other hand, even if you scream and shout at someone, at least you acknowledge that person is/was part of your life.
I can't agree with this.
I can't agree with this. People don't become abusers because their partner does something wrong. The fault lies with the abusers. I agree that depending on the circumstances ghosting could be a form of emotional abuse; but again, depending on the circumstances it could also be a form of self protection against something like screaming and shouting. In fact, I have "ghosted" people to avoid further screaming and shouting, which absolutely isn't actually "ghosting" them at all. Screaming and shouting isn't any sort of acknowledgement that a person was a part of someone's life; it's a great confirmation they shouldn't be.
I think sometimes you just take it, though, right?
I haven't ever ghosted, I've taken a little bit of screaming and shouting, but 99% of the time if you are respectful to people they are respectful back. I think sometimes it's in your own head. Like, I have found it difficult to just explain to someone who is coming on to me that I don't want to be with them and instead having ignored it and hoped it would stop. I thought that if I told them I didn't want what they wanted they would go berserk. But then I hit 29 and decided that I was too old to run away from things like that so I started to tell people who I didn't want to date that I didn't want to date them (in a nice way) and you know what? They thanked me for it.
I know it's different circumstances because these aren't even people I dated, they were just people who were 'chasing' (hate that term) me, but I still thought they'd go nuts when I said no (or cry, or you know, something). But actually they said: Thanks for clearing the air and treating me with respect.
It's really, really odd behaviour to get abusive at someone when all they're doing is breaking up. I can see someone retailiating if they have been treated badly, but otherwise I can't see it happening. If it's happened to you more than once you might want to question the following: 1) Are you going out with extremely hot tempered people? Or 2) Are you speaking to people a little disrespectfully, because the only times I've got angry at a date is when I have been spoken down to...
Cont...
Just realised I didn't finish the point I started in the subject field...
My point was that even if they do decide to shout, sometimes you just got to do the right thing anyway. I think it's very rare people behave like that, but even if they do it's not a reason to lower your own standards of behaviour (unless you're in actual physical danger). Take the high ground?
it can be a form of self protection
I completely think that analysing ghosting depends on the circumstances, and in some cases it can be your only way to protecting your dignity and preventing further damage. i recently disappeared from a relashionship without a single word, i just ghosted didn't call didn't text, and that was after discovering that my Ex gave a 2 days silent treatment and then acted disrespectfully to me, every sign idicated that i would only get hut or cruely dumped if i reach out, So i simply disappeared, and it was hard for me because i needed closure, i needed to understand because he was so dear to me, but that was my only way out.
ghosting
Well done, and stay strong. He may try to yank your chain again. Don't reply, don't pick up. You're doing the right thing in order to protect yourself.
I have seen a lot of comments
I have seen a lot of comments to my comment but, speaking of my own experience, people disappear for no apparent reason. That was what happened to me. My ex for many year, just disappeared one day. He wrote me an sms saying it was over and that was it.
Years later, I found out that the reason was he had fathered a child with someone else. He acknowledge I was good to him, we got along great in many areas but, he he was a scumbag that couldn't keep it in his pants.
Ghosting someone that was abusive to you in some way, is not something I reprehend at all. However acting cowardly when everything seems well, is a different situation.
You're defending abusers
What kind of victim-blaming silliness is this? No, verbal/emotional abuse is NOT preferable to the victim escaping the toxic situation by ghosting their abuser. Are you crazy?
Because
most situations it is NOT the case. It is pure, unadulterated sociopathy when people dump others without notice. It is despicable, and it is chickens***. It tells me more about the person doing the dumping than the person being dumped. Stop assuming abusive situations are the reasons people do this. In the vast majority of ghostings, this is not the case.
The point went over your head
Is it strawman hour already? Where did I ever claim that most ghosting situations involve an abuse victim trying to escape their abuser? I know for a fact that these comprise only a minority of ghosting cases. I was clearly responding to another commenter who was arguing that an abuse victim shouldn't ghost and try to escape their abuser. You took my comment completely out of context.